WWE SMACKDOWN MARCH 12th REVIEW – A CURE FOR INSOMNIA

WWE SmackDown – March 12th 2015.
Joe Louis Arena: Detroit, MI
Ben Carass.

 

SmackDown has got to the point of being so irrelevant that if I just recapped what happened on the show, the reports would be about 100 words at the most. So, in an effort to try make this thing slightly more interesting I’m going to have to go into one of my unrelated tangents, however I would wager that at least a few of you will be able to relate to this digressive anecdote. In case you are only interested in an unbearably boring and irrelevant wrestling show then I suggest you skip the next couple of paragraphs.

 

With the sheer amount of pro wrestling that I watch and try to keep up on every week, my poor long-time girlfriend, Bev, is forced to sit through most of it with me. Sure she doesn’t have to and at times will go do her own thing, but since we actually like spending time together, sitting on the couch watching wrestling takes up a lot of our free time. Now, Bev (for the most part) actually enjoys watching some of the shows and can even make it through 4 hour New Japan shows if she is interested. However if something bores her, she goes out like a light. I’ve seen her fall asleep 10 minutes into RAW and not wake up until the show is over. It’s not like she is a narcoleptic anomaly, I’ve seen this happen many times before with many different girls who were all, at least a little bit, interested in pro wrestling. Actually, “interested” may be a tad strong for some of them, “endured” might be a better way of putting it. But still, they sat there and tried to watch the shows with me until their brains inevitably stopped being stimulated and shutdown. In case you are thinking, “Well, clearly these girls didn’t like wrestling at all and were just humouring you, Ben”; I can promise you beyond all shadow of a doubt that if you meet a girl that is naturally predisposed to not like pro wrestling then there is NOTHING you can do to change her mind and make her watch guys in their underwear pretending to fight. So, since we’ve established that females + dull pro wrestling = a boredom coma, here’s how all that gibberish relates to this week’s SmackDown.

 

I hardly ever fall asleep watching wrestling. There have been rare occasions when after working long hours I have dozed off during a particularly dreary episode of RAW at 3am, although, even with the horrendous state of the product at the moment, that has not happened for a few years. However, I found myself fighting to stay awake during SmackDown, which wasn’t even a particularly bad show; it was just painfully tedious. I finally understood after all these years what I had been putting these poor girls through: They wanted to watch the shows with me, however something about the product was so mind-numbing to them that their brains couldn’t help but shutdown. That is the exact situation I was in watching this worthless television show. I wasn’t even the least bit tired before the show started, but about 40 minutes in I was on the verge on unconsciousness. Keep in mind this was about 8pm, so it’s not like it was late at night, and I watched Lucha Underground immediately afterwards which was a breeze to get through. In short, SmackDown achieved a new level of monotony that not even the driest episode of Superstars, Thunder or iMPACT could manage and nearly put me into a detachment induced slumber.

 

The show was all about the IC title picture again. Daniel Bryan cut the same promo guys have cut for years about the title meaning something when Bret Hart, Mr Perfect, Ricky Steamboat, Randy Savage etc. held it. All the other geeks in the ladder match showed up and had a brawl in the ring, expect Truth, who just stood on the stage with the belt. This led to the main event: Bryan, Ziggler & Ambrose vs. Bad News Barrett, Luke Harper & Stardust. Bryan pinned Harper after a Zig-zag and the busaiku knee at 9:10 (TV Time). Match wasn’t particularly notable. Afterwards, the babyfaces bickered and looked like whiny little chumps then Ambrose and Ziggler called Bryan a, “Turd.” A TURD! There are no words… Anyway, I think Truth still has the belt, but honestly, who cares?

 

“You’re a TURD, bro.” – Actual dialog.

 

They went to the old bag of tricks to try get Roman Reigns over. He showed up for a brief, but still uninspiring promo about people telling him he “can’t” beat Brock Lesnar. Mark Henry interrupted and buried Reigns for not having the respect of the fans or the “boys in the back” – TM HHH. Henry said Reigns had no chance against Lesnar, so Reigns gave him a superman punch then speared the 43 year-old, near 400lbs Henry through the barricade. Later, in the Trainer’s room, Henry said he was testing Reigns and said Reigns had made a believer out of him. – Henry tried his best and was good in his role, but there is little they can do at this point, Reigns is never going to be over in time for WrestleMania because they have rushed and screwed up his push far too much for anyone to care.

 

Misc. Filler: Tyson Kidd, Cesaro & Los Matadores beat The Usos & New Day in 5:01 (TV Time). Fernando pinned Kofi after the Matadors pulled the switch-a-roo, so I presume they have turned heel for the multi-team tag title match at WrestleMania. We’re two weeks out from Mania and now they decide is a good time to rebuild the Matadors and make them into “credible” title challengers? HA! Miz shouted at Mizdow in the back then went out and lost to Ryback in 4:00 of a painfully boring match. Paige & AJ over Summer Rae & Cameron in 3:00. The Bellas were on commentary and were, once again, horrible. They aired a sit-down interview with Randy Orton and he tried to explain his master plan of “weaving his way back into the fabric of the Authority.” – WHO SPEAKS LIKE THAT?! Anyway, Orton’s plan was to use “reverse psychology” and my personal favourite excuse for illogical booking, “MIND GAMES!” Cole asked him what he is going to do on RAW and Orton said he would spit in Rollins’ face then challenge him to a match at WrestleMania. It made absolutely no sense.

 

Even just recapping this show I can feel myself getting lethargic. I’d better call it a day before something embarrassing happens and I… Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z

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